There is something revolutionary happening in my personal life. Normally I don't talk about my personal life here, I save it for my private blog, but I feel I must share.
I'm learning to surrender.
I've been holding on so tightly to MY dreams and MY ways and MY finances and not trusting God with HIS plans and I don't know why it didn't occur to me until now that this is stunting my spiritual growth and stressing me out to no end.
We've been visiting our denomination's camp meeting this week when we can and one day something just set me off into anger and worry. It reminded me that I'm not a stay at home mom and I want to be. It's my goal. So as we drove home I told my husband, "You know, God KNOWS that I want to stay at home with Bunny. It's all I've ever wanted out of life. Ever since I was a little girl. So why would he let this happen to me?"
"Becca, are you surrendering to His will?" my sweet husband asked calmly in response to my rage.
I was convicted but didn't want to admit it or let go of the vice grip I was maintaining to what I felt was rightfully mine.
"I'm not backing down. There are no other options. I want to be a stay at home mom and that's that. It's not fair," I countered angrily.
My sweetie persisted, "So you think God should bend His will to yours?"
I frowned inwardly knowing he was right but not about to admit it and I started getting angry at my hubby for taking God's side in the matter.
"I believe He gives us our desires!" I persisted, trying to find a loophole.
"Do you delight yourself in Him?" he asked, not giving in to my temper tantrum.
I had to be honest that no, I don't necessarily delight in Him. I'm always working so hard to try to find ways to get what I want. I sell my diapers hoping that one day that will help me stay at home. I write blog posts for The Cloth Diaper Blog because it earns me spending money monthly. I fuss and fret about his job and how they don't seem to pay him what I feel they should. Do I ever take the time to stop and delight myself in my relationship with Jesus Christ? No. I don't. I'm too busy trying to do His job rather than giving over my issues to Him.
I brushed these thoughts aside and the subject eventually changed.
Later that night, we went back to the camp meeting for the evening service. The preacher's message was entitled, "I Wish Jesus Hadn't Said That."
You want to guess what it was about? Yep. It was about surrender.
Luke 14:26 says:
26 “If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.
Did you hear that? I'm supposed to hate it all in comparison to Him. It sounds so harsh. So wrong.
...and yet it sounds so wonderful to be so close to Jesus that no one else could compare.
Then the preacher talked about what things usually are the biggest and most difficult to surrender--our dreams. It was then, that I realized that God was responding to my tyrade in the car earlier that morning. He was saying, "Becca, yes, I even want you to surrender your dreams to be a stay at home mom. Don't you trust me?"
When the preacher called us to the altar, I hesitated. I could say the prayer at my seat, couldn't I? Did I really need to go up front to prove I'd surrendered? But I felt Jesus compelling me to go...to take that public step. I went and bowed down and just named all the things I was holding on to so tightly and then I told Him that I want to surrender them to Him. And I wept as I gave up what I've been clenching to with white knuckles for so long. I wept for the grief of giving Him control that I never really had. And when my husband knelt beside me and took my hand and prayed with me, and we surrendered even our precious little Bunny to Him, I wept some more because I didn't want to give Him everything... and yet I really yearned to.
I left the altar feeling so much relief and peace. I don't know why I didn't surrender sooner. Life has so much more joy and peace when held in His faithful hands. I left feeling uplifted that I'd made a new commitment to Him.
So I may not blog as much as I tried to before. I may not post as many diapers on my Etsy shop or peruse as many websites looking for deals. I'm tired of holding the reins to my life and trying to provide. Jesus promised He'd always provide for us. And I have a feeling that my hopes and dreams are held more safely in his treasure chest than in mine.
29 What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. 30 And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. 31 So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.